Simple Sunday

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

 I love to watch Trey ride horses, and now to watch Ryanne ride with him. It makes me remember and cherish so many moments from my past, and hopefully moments to come in our future. There is something so peaceful about horses that can calm me in the middle of anything. I love that Trey shares that passion. 

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Life lately . . .

Some days are more difficult than others. I'm still struggling with my emotions over the miscarriage. I have 3,241 questions running through my mind at any one moment. I am confident though that God's plan is better than mine, and that its best to trust him to get us through this.

This sweet smile helps bring me back to planet Earth and realize just how blessed we are. 

On Thursday, we took Ryanne back to the pediatrician. She went on Monday and had double ear infections and a sinus infection. Since then, she had developed a rash on her belly and around her mouth, so I was worried that she is allergic to amoxicillin like her Daddy. Good news is that it was not an allergic reaction!

Trey's grandpa had hernia surgery on Thursday, too, so we went across the street from her doctor's office to see him. He was doing well on Thursday, but isn't doing as well today. We went by again to check on him this afternoon. He has difficulties dealing with anesthesia and his stomach still hasn't "woken up" from the surgery. Hopefully it will soon, and he'll be able to come home.

Ryanne has decided that she wants to be super sassy lately. She has learned to say shut-up (courtesy of some kids in front of us at the roping last Sunday) and we're working hard to get that back out of her vocabulary.

She loves to sit like this and eat cheese and "crack-its" (crackers). 

She discovered a tube of my mascara this morning and helped herself to putting it on : ) She is so into copying everything we do lately. Last night, she spilled a cup of juice and I went to the bathroom to grab a towel. I came back and she had gotten one out of the kitchen and was wiping it up. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. But at least she's learning to clean, right? There is a good side ; ) 

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What I'm Loving . . .

I'm loving . . . this watch because I never wear watches and it's logical for me to have one and all. 

I'm loving . . . this dress. Orange (or orange-ish red) is my favorite color. Enough said. 

I'm loving . . .  the support that all of you awesome guys showed me yesterday on my tough post. The comments and prayers are so greatly appreciated. 

I'm loving . . . this top from Go Jane for only $7!

I'm loving . . . that a couple of my professors announced that there would be no finals in their classes. I'm down to only 3 finals on the 24 hours I'm taking. Woohoo!

I'm loving . . . this adorable outfit. I think I'll wear it to Church on Sunday. What do you think?

I mean, seriously? Who in their right mind would buy this?? 

I'm loving . . . this women's designer clothing resale store in Little Rock, Plato's Closet. I bought 2 pair of Miss Me's and a pair of Seven jeans for less than $60!

I'm loving . . . this jumper. I just think they are so comfy. I don't usually wear them out of the house because most are less than flattering on my body, but oh they are heavenly.

I'm loving . . . that in about two weeks I will be packing up and heading to Dallas with Niki and Whitney! I just cannot wait.

And can I just say something? My twitter and Blog friends rock my socks off! You guys are such an awesome support system and amazing. I love y'all!

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I cracked

It could've been a joyous day, a blessing, a celebration.

I had this little life inside me.

But in a instant, it was gone.

The doctors words sliced my soul, "I'm so sorry, Leah, but it looks like you've had a miscarriage."

I just sat in shock as my hands trembled and stomach tightened. I barely held it together as I picked up my bag and walked out of the room. I crept to the car, staring at my toes and counting my paces in an effort to avoid all the pregnant bellies pouring into and out of the doctor's office.

I don't have time to be upset, I told myself. Life will go on.

I climbed into the car with shaky steps, and stared into the blue sky. You have one happy, healthy little girl. Why is that not enough? Why are you being so greedy? The voices quizzed me, but I had no answers.

I closed my eyes and wished with all my might that it was all a dream.

As I put the car in reverse, and glanced behind me, I saw Ryanne's car seat and reminded myself that I should be thankful for that blessing.

I clutched the steering wheel like I was holding onto my sanity and made my way away from there.

It felt as if I was trying to hold onto melting butter that was slowly slipping through my fingers and out of my grasp.

My mind raced as I drove, but I kept telling myself that there was reason and purpose. God has a greater plan than I do.

Out of nowhere, a rock flew toward my windshield and I watched as it cracked from top to bottom.

And I cracked. The tears I had fought so hard to hold back rolled down my cheeks, my chest, and onto my lifeless stomach.

Why us?

What did I do wrong?

Is this my fault? Am I not good enough to be the mother of two?

Why did I not get to hear the happiness of a heartbeat, but instead my own heart shattering when there was nothing to be heard but hollow air?

With the passing of one moment, everything changed.

Months we had spent wishing and hoping to make our family one of four, but we were told no.

It was not our turn yet.

". . . At least you have Ryanne."

My soul aches for more. I want her to have a sibling. I want to be more than the mother of one.

Her precious words, "Want a baby" echo in my head even thought I'm not quite sure she knows what she's asking for.

I failed at giving her that. I failed. My body failed.

And for now, my heart is living in a cracked state. The scars are new and fresh. Little lines that will forever define my life.

When I stare at the cracked glass, I am reminded how in an instant your world can shatter.

*This is not meant to demean or offend any person or event, but was written merely as a means to share my emotions, and serve as a type of therapy for me. Writing makes me feel better.*

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To Know

My hands were clammy and trembled as I crept into the room, afraid of what was to come. Even though this was a new room, a new hospital, my gut knew there would be no new developments.

I watched as his feeble chest rose and fell, remembering the evenings we spent in the recliner together sharing popcorn. His breaths were as carefree as they were when we rode horses each year on Thanksgiving.

He was not the same, though. I hadn't heard him speak in days. His labored wheezes haunted me in my sleep.

That invincible man was crumbling slowly. I watched helplessly as the cancer crumbled the image of my childhood hero, weakening his body into nothing that resembled Poppa.

As I stared at the ceiling tiles, counting slowly to pass the time and praying I would look down and hear his laugh, I heard the doctor's strong footsteps come around the corner.

"Ladies, we need you to make a decision," he stated with insincere compassion.

We huddled together, sweeping away one another's tears gently until there were too many tears to wipe away.

We already knew the answer. That strong willed stubborn man who taught me so much would never want to be lying in the bed helpless and distressed like he was.

With one last breath, he was gone.

There would be no more suffering for him.

There would be no more horse back rides to the gas station to buy ice cream for me.

He would not be in pain any longer.

Our pain was just beginning.

As tears flooded my eyes, I glanced outside to see that rain was pouring down the window panes.

In that instant I knew, never again would I stand beside him at the water trough, washing our boots as he smiled and told me he loved me.

Thankfully, I don't need the water hose or his voice to know he did.

This post was written in response to the prompt by The Red Dress Club, based on your response to a photo of a sprayer on a water hose. As always, constructive criticism is welcomed. 

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