But in the midst of the storm, it's difficult to believe. VERY difficult to believe. For those of you who don't know, this should be my "senior" year of college. I should be graduating in five months. But I'm not. I changed my major a few time (several) and had too much trouble deciding what I wanted to be. I should've listened to God, I should've let him lead me. I've finally learned to listen to that voice, and feel called to be a nurse practitioner. I believe that is my duty, my place, my home to minister to those around me. However, I have yet to start nursing school. I'm applying in February and if everything goes as planned, I should have my BSN in May of 2013. In the meantime, I have a now 17 month old sweet precious gift from God that we were blessed with. I love her more than life itself. I have a burden on my heart for more children, many more children. The reality is, however, that it is not feasible or anywhere near feasible. My husband's company just announced that their health insurance is changing and is going to costs us thousands more dollars a year, even without factoring in the expense of a pregnancy (which would be borderline bankruptcy).
I say all of this to say, what society has evolved to SUCKS. Excuse my eloquent language. I never professed to be a writer (my former English teachers would argue, perhaps, but that is the best word to describe how I feel about it today.) Why should I have to choose not to have a child when my heart feels burdened too? Why should health insurance or employers or money for that matter have such immense control over our lives? My heart aches for children. I am so blessed with Ryanne, but my soul is just not content. I wake up every morning praying that I can get pregnant. I go to bed every night hoping that by some act of nature, I can "accidentally" get pregnant knowing there is no way we could afford it if we did. I go through each day trying to avoid the plethora of pregnant bellies on facebook, wondering why it's okay for them and not for me. My heart just bleeds, and for that I'm sorry. I will not be complete until I can have more children, and until then, I suppose my soul will ache. Lord, have your way with me.
*For everyone battling infertility, I'm sorry if this seems insensitive to you, but I don't mean it that way at all.*
2 comments:
I understand. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and I still don't think we could afford it. We have health insurance and enough money to get by, however, I plan to be a stay at home mom. This means that my husband will have to support our family on his own. So, in the mean time, we are paying off our cars and trying to get settled, but it seems silly. I too see people all around me without a cent in the bank having two and three kids. I don't understand why I can't have what I want now. I know it's not a race, but I feel like everyone I know has a kid except me.
The good news is: I know that when the time is right, God will bless me. Children are such a gift, and I try not to ask God for gifts very often. He has already given me so much to be thankful for. God will give you one when he feels you are ready. We have to be careful what we ask for. :) btw Ryanne is gorgeous, I know you're proud.
I understand. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and I still don't think we could afford it. We have health insurance and enough money to get by, however, I plan to be a stay at home mom. This means that my husband will have to support our family on his own. So, in the mean time, we are paying off our cars and trying to get settled, but it seems silly. I too see people all around me without a cent in the bank having two and three kids. I don't understand why I can't have what I want now. I know it's not a race, but I feel like everyone I know has a kid except me.
The good news is: I know that when the time is right, God will bless me. Children are such a gift, and I try not to ask God for gifts very often. He has already given me so much to be thankful for. God will give you one when he feels you are ready. We have to be careful what we ask for. :) btw Ryanne is gorgeous, I know you're proud.
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