Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I cracked

It could've been a joyous day, a blessing, a celebration.

I had this little life inside me.

But in a instant, it was gone.

The doctors words sliced my soul, "I'm so sorry, Leah, but it looks like you've had a miscarriage."

I just sat in shock as my hands trembled and stomach tightened. I barely held it together as I picked up my bag and walked out of the room. I crept to the car, staring at my toes and counting my paces in an effort to avoid all the pregnant bellies pouring into and out of the doctor's office.

I don't have time to be upset, I told myself. Life will go on.

I climbed into the car with shaky steps, and stared into the blue sky. You have one happy, healthy little girl. Why is that not enough? Why are you being so greedy? The voices quizzed me, but I had no answers.

I closed my eyes and wished with all my might that it was all a dream.

As I put the car in reverse, and glanced behind me, I saw Ryanne's car seat and reminded myself that I should be thankful for that blessing.

I clutched the steering wheel like I was holding onto my sanity and made my way away from there.

It felt as if I was trying to hold onto melting butter that was slowly slipping through my fingers and out of my grasp.

My mind raced as I drove, but I kept telling myself that there was reason and purpose. God has a greater plan than I do.

Out of nowhere, a rock flew toward my windshield and I watched as it cracked from top to bottom.

And I cracked. The tears I had fought so hard to hold back rolled down my cheeks, my chest, and onto my lifeless stomach.

Why us?

What did I do wrong?

Is this my fault? Am I not good enough to be the mother of two?

Why did I not get to hear the happiness of a heartbeat, but instead my own heart shattering when there was nothing to be heard but hollow air?

With the passing of one moment, everything changed.

Months we had spent wishing and hoping to make our family one of four, but we were told no.

It was not our turn yet.

". . . At least you have Ryanne."

My soul aches for more. I want her to have a sibling. I want to be more than the mother of one.

Her precious words, "Want a baby" echo in my head even thought I'm not quite sure she knows what she's asking for.

I failed at giving her that. I failed. My body failed.

And for now, my heart is living in a cracked state. The scars are new and fresh. Little lines that will forever define my life.

When I stare at the cracked glass, I am reminded how in an instant your world can shatter.

*This is not meant to demean or offend any person or event, but was written merely as a means to share my emotions, and serve as a type of therapy for me. Writing makes me feel better.*

25 comments:

Dianne said...

Oh, sweetie, my heart aches for you. Some things in life we are not meant to know, but some day we will see and know it all. I am so sorry....
Dianne @
http://buterflydreamz.blogspot.com/

Taylor @ The Undomestic Momma said...

Leah I am so so sorry. As I read this I remember feeling the exact same way this time last year. I hate that you have to go through this. Praying for you!

Superchikk said...

I am so sad for you! I have never experienced a miscarriage, but I know all too well the ache for another baby. We thought it might never happen. I asked God all kinds of questions, felt guilt that I even thought I should get to have another baby, and just wondered what was wrong with me. I know all those feelings. In the end, the journey God had us on has been just as meaningful as our destination, though it was hard to understand during the process. It's ok to cry! I will be praying for you!

Whitney said...

Praying Leah. I can't even imagine how you feel right now. But know that I'm here if you need ANYTHING.

Jillian said...

Leah I am so sorry:( I am praying for you and giving your virtual hugs!!

Kodi said...

I'm so sorry Leah.

stacey said...

Oh Leah, I've been there. I had 2 miscarriages in 2009. They were back to back and it was devastating. After my daughter being born early and then the 2 miscarriages, I just felt like such a failure. Even now I still do as I'm on bed rest and trying to keep this one in. It is an emotional road. I'm praying that you'll find peace and comfort in this time of sadness. Remember that He knows what you can handle and that His timing is not always the same as ours. I've learned that the hard way many times. ;)

KM said...

Leah I am praying for you and your family. I am so soory :(

aliciamarie911 said...

...........uh........I really don't know what to say. I had no idea. You didn't tell me. I don't know if I ever told you, but I had a miscarriage too. I know your pain. There's no words that I could ever say to make this situation any better.

Ashley said...

Leah, I am so sorry! I know nothing I can say can make things better, but know I am praying for you! *Hugs*

Becca said...

Oh Leah, my heart aches for you. I had one as well when Autumn was around 20 months or so. It was such a difficult time for me but having Autumn and hope for what was to come got me through it. Cry it out and know that there are many, many women who can relate to this awful experience. Also, please know that this was not your fault. I got pregnant with Aubrey just one cycle after my miscarriage. I pray that you will have a precious baby in your arms soon! Hugs!

Laura said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Anna said...

I am so sorry Leah. I can't imagine what you're going through but when the time is ready I know you will experience the joy of another baby.

Deanna said...

I'm so sorry!

Amber said...

oh Leah, I'm so sorry! I'll pray for you and your family! Just hug Ryanne extra tight tonight!

Melanee said...

oh leah, i am so sorry for you. i know from reading your blog that this is something you ache for and you will be in my prayers.

Bec@littlelucylu said...

So sorry for your loss :(
And believe me, I know the feeling of wanting a sibling for your daughter all too well...
Thinking of you and hoping you find comfort in knowing your baby is happy and PERFECT in heaven. :-)
~Bec

Neely said...

Leah I am so so sorry! Praying for you darling girl!

Angie said...

I am so sorry girl. My heart aches for you.

Katie said...

I am so sorry! Praying you! I can't imagine the pain to lose a baby you so want and pray that you will soon enough be able to have another precious little one.

Victoria KP said...

Visiting from The Red Dress Club. I have been where you are and no matter how much you love and appreciate the family you have, miscarrying just plain stinks. Let yourself feel however you feel right now. If you need to mourn, then mourn. If you need to be angry, be angry. It doesn't mean you aren't grateful. It means you're human. Hoping you find peace.

Kim said...

praying for you. I have had four losses. each one more devasting more painful. they have left scars that can never be erased. I understand. It is a trajedy to loose the life but to also loose the dreams and hopes and plans, and it is worse to feel your body has faile you somehow. I will pray that you will carry another child to full term. I am the mother of five now, 2 adopted children. I had two bio children and after my fourth misscarriage I gave up and didn't want to ever have that pain again so we adopted. Then after years with my four kids and just when I started to come to terms with never having another bio child, I found myself prego. total surprise. I am now an older mom to my younges daughter of six months. who knew? God has a way of doing things his way. The pain will always be there from the miscarriage, but now because of it I have two children born in Africa that would have never come to me other wise. It was my loss that I also gained, then the blessing of pregnancy again, one I acutally carried. I never thought I could. Hang in there, keep trying. I am praying.

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebel Chick said...

That just breaks my heart, I'm so sorry.

Jenna said...

i am sorry for your loss. everything you are feeling is valid, and there is no reason for blame or guilt in your heart. you are a wonderful mother to a sweet girl, and that longing for another does not diminish the preciousness that she is.

your imagery was beautiful, and your raw honesty is heartbreaking. I will be thinking of you. *HUG*

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